


good grief

by synthetics



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fallen Angels, Guardian Angels, M/M, Minor Character Death, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-02-01 01:06:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12693858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/synthetics/pseuds/synthetics
Summary: the biggest mistake hakyeon's ever made is also the best decision of his life.





	1. Chapter 1

❝ _my knees stay clean, not much for praying,_  
_i do my own stunts and my own saving,_  
_but there’s something amiss,_  
_something i been missing, maybe_ ❞  
\- dessa, [good grief](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zpb1gJyMKIs)

 

 

The first thing Hakyeon noticed was it was cold. Not cold as in a simple chill, but a bitter cold that cut to the bone. He couldn't see anything, the world around him nothing but a swirl of colors and lights with no distinct shape. The ground beneath him was rough - he could feel rocks digging into his bare skin. He could hear the roar of rushing water, but he wasn't sure if it was real or just some white noise in the back of his mind. He willed his muscle to allow him to sit up, but nothing moved. Someone told him to relax. Or was it two people? Maybe three? When did they even get there? Blue and red lights danced across his field of vision and he suddenly became painfully aware of his breathing. Was he breathing? He felt a sharp pain in his abdomen as if someone had kicked him in the gut.

There were hands on him, and they were so hot it felt like fire was dancing on his skin. He was lifted and laid down on something flat and more solid, and a blanket was laid over him. He wanted to sit up, but he was strapped down. He pulled against it, trying to lift his arms, but someone placed a hand on his shoulder and told him to relax. He forgot what he was so afraid of and sunk into the warmth of the blanket.

The next thing he noticed was the beeping of a monitor and bright lights that almost shone right through his eyelids. He blinked his eyes open and waited a moment for them to adjust to the light. He moved his head to his right and groaned.

"Are you awake?"

Whose voice was that? He tried to ask, but his mouth was dry and he sat up in a fit of coughing instead. A paper cup of water was placed in his hands and he gulped the whole thing down in a fluid motion. "Thanks," he muttered, not sure if the words made it past his lips at all. He looked to his left and sitting on a stool by the window was a familiar face he had thought he'd never see again. "Jaehwan?"

A soft smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Terrible." He was dizzy and his head hurt. His everything hurt. His back especially felt like someone had raked claws down it. "It's like I hit a wall full force."

"Well, you kind of did. From that height water may as well be solid." Hakyeon stared at him. "Do you remember?"

The older shook his head and watched as Jaehwan worried his lower lip between his teeth as if he were trying to find the right words to use to soften a blow. "What is it?"

Jaehwan took in a breath and then released it. His eyes wandered to the floor, then back up. "You're exiled, Hakyeon."

Hakyeon narrowed his eyes. He couldn't believe it. This had to be a joke. Jaehwan could laugh at any time now.

But he didn't.

"They kicked you out. You landed in the river. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't found you-" his voice cracked and he paused to recollect himself. "Why did you do it, Hakyeon?" Jaehwan's voice was pained. He wasn't angry, he was just hurt. "You knew what would happen if you did."

"It was the right thing to do."

There was a beat of silence before Jaehwan spoke again. "They took your wings," he spoke softly. It sounded like his voice was breaking, as if he were on the verge of tears. "I can't help you this time."

Hakyeon swung his legs over the bed, the rush of air against his bare legs under the gown causing him to involuntarily shiver and goosebumps raised on his skin. "Where is he?"

"Who?"

"Hongbin."

"Hakyeon, no."

Hakyeon stood up, but his legs were a little less than steady and he had to sit down again. "I need to make sure he's okay."

"No," Jaehwan's voice was firm in an almost terrifying way. Hakyeon had never heard him speak like that. "I'm not letting you do this to yourself. You can't even stand on your own."

"What if I don't get another chance? What if I never see him again?"

"What if _I_ never see _you_ again?"

Silence. Hakyeon couldn't respond to that because he couldn't expect Jaehwan to be able to understand. The younger had never been anyone's Guardian before, he'd never had to feel the same sense of responsibility. He was more than capable of it, but the opportunity had simply never crossed his way.

"Just promise me," Jaehwan started, "promise me you won't take any unnecessary risks."

Hakyeon couldn't respond to that either.

"Fine." Tears welled up in the other's eyes and he blinked to try and hide them. Guilt hit Hakyeon with the same intensity with which he had hit the water. "I'll find him for you, but only because I don't trust you to stay safe on your own."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, here we go. a sort of prologue to something large i've been planning.  
> comments & kudos are appreciated! ♡
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/haken) / [twitter](https://twitter.com/emohongbin)


	2. Chapter 2

**i.** Hongbin considered himself spiritual, but only to the extent that he could acknowledge the possibility of spiritual beings and worlds in realities beyond his own. Anything to do with divinity or fate amused him and it was an internal battle to not offend anybody by scoffing or rolling his eyes. He didn't quite know what caused him to be so jaded, but it wasn't as if he had lost anything in life that he would have kept if only he had faith.

Any new guardian would have bemoaned being connected to such a man, especially after hearing stories of how rewarding the role was supposed to be. Where was the reward in someone who outwardly denied your existence? But Hakyeon took on the task with an excited gleam in his eye. Even if Hongbin never spoke to him, Hakyeon would still believe in him and do his best to point him in the right direction. After all, he could only guide Hongbin. He couldn't force him to walk the correct path.

What Hakyeon didn't know was despite the fact he got his assignment as Hongbin was entering university, the man was already at the tail end of his life. He was in good health, but there were some events not even the most powerful spirits were allowed to interfere with.

So he blindly went through everything with the mortal. From the first move-in day freshman year where he had to carry all of his belongings up three sets of stairs in a building too old for air conditioning (earning himself a reputation of a heavy sweater within minutes of stepping on campus) to the driest lecture of his life. It was a required math class regardless of major and he never had a single clue what the professor was going on about. Their previous test had a single question: "Prove the square root of two is not a real number." The answer was so complicated it took the fastest student forty-five minutes to complete it. Hongbin was on the slower end. But despite his struggles, the professor's grading was lenient and he still managed to pass the class while only being able to answer four out of ten questions on the final exam.

That first final exam week was when Hongbin met Taekwoon. Well, he had heard of him before and occasionally seen him walking on campus, but he'd never been around the senior for more than a moment and never actually spoken to him. He had an air around him that made him seem almost unapproachable, but to the few he was close to it was as if he could only be pried from their side with a crowbar.

Hongbin was sitting upside down on a couch in the music building lobby, his hair falling towards the floor. He held one of his required books for an exam he had the next day, but he stared blankly at the pages more than he actually read it. There was too much noise for him to concentrate on anything; there had been a concert in the auditorium that had ended ten minutes prior, and everyone was excessively chattering about it. Hongbin hadn't actually attended it, he had only promised his roommate that he would meet him afterwards so they could grab something to eat together. He had no idea what anybody was talking about and simply hid his face deeper in the words and images that hovered in front of his nose.

With a small amount of force, the book was knocked from his hands and tumbled onto the floor. It landed face up, but the pages flipped. "Not falling asleep are you?"

It was Wonsik. Finally. He was still wearing his tuxedo from the performance.

"You made me lose my page," Hongbin grumbled.

Wonsik laughed. "It's not like you were reading it anyway. Your eyes were hardly even open."

Hongbin maneuvered himself so he was sitting properly right-side up. "This is how my face normally looks."

"It is now that you're all riled up!" Hongbin picked his book up off the floor and whacked Wonsik with it in the side of the arm. The other pouted in feigned hurt.

"You ready to go?" Someone else asked. An older man had pushed his way through the crowd and grabbed Wonsik by the shoulder as if he were an anchor.

"Oh!" Wonsik grabbed Hongbin by the wrist and pulled on him to stand him up. "Hongbin, this is Taekwoon. I've told you about him a little bit, right? He was my accompanist for the concert!" Hongbin had no idea what he was talking about, but nodded anyway. "He lives in an apartment off-campus with his friends and invited me back to his place to hang out for a post-concert celebration so I asked if you could come along."

"I...what?" He was perplexed by this sudden change of events. "We still have exams tomorrow. What about dinner?"

"We have food at my place," Taekwoon said. "It's mainly frozen but it's still probably better than what the school will give you." All three of them chuckled and nodded in agreement. After a short break in the conversation he eyed the door and suggested, "Why don't we get going? It's pretty crowded in here." The younger two nodded and followed him out the door like ducklings.

It wasn't a far walk at all, but the night was chilled and their breath came out of their mouths in puffs. Hakyeon was sat in a tree across from the music building - not that Hongbin could see him anyway - and he wasn't sure if it was Taekwoon or the cold that sent the chills up his spine. Or even something else. But he also knew that if Hongbin didn't go with them, he'd stay locked up in his room for six more months. He hardly talked to anybody outside of Wonsik as it was, it was likely for the best that his roommate would introduce him to more people even if the circumstances weren't exactly to Hakyeon's liking.

"So," Taekwoon broke the silence as they turned a corner. Hongbin looked around for landmarks so he could remember the way back, but the sun had gone down long ago and the streetlights were few and far between. "Hongbin, is it?"

"Yeah," Hongbin mumbled. For a moment he didn't even know if anyone could hear him.

"Do you smoke?"

"What?" The question caught him completely off guard. Where were they going, exactly? He thought he heard Taekwoon laugh quietly, but the conversation ended there and he didn't want to push it. He felt his jaw clench and his stomach dance with anxious butterflies and pulled out his phone to text Wonsik.

 **hongbin  
** [21:08] what is going on

Wonsik didn't even look at his phone until Hongbin nudged him in the side with his elbow.

 **wonsik  
** [21:10] relax  
[21:10] it'll be okay. they're nice guys.  
[21:11] u don't have to do anything if u don't want to.

At the end of the road was the apartment. Although it wasn't so much an apartment so much as it was a small, white house with a different person living in each bedroom. Or, it had been white long ago. It was so old and had been used as a living space for college students who couldn't afford the upkeep for so long it had faded to an off-white, yellowish color. Taekwoon found the door unlocked and walked inside with Wonsik following, but Hongbin hesitated. He looked over his shoulder, for what he didn't know, and then upon realizing he couldn't remember where to turn to get back, he followed them inside.

What felt like a second for Hongbin felt like several minutes for Hakyeon. For a moment he could have sworn Hongbin's eyes locked right on him, and he felt his entire body freeze in shock. There was no way he could have actually seen him in the bushes. Not someone of such little faith, at least. Regardless, the man was still at a crossroads. Should he go inside with his friend and this man he'd never met and possibly get into trouble, or play it safe and try to find his way back? But was wandering while unsure where he was supposed to go really "playing it safe?" And Hakyeon knew that this was a great opportunity for him to come out of his shell and make friends. It pained him to see his charge so lonely. So he gave the mortal an encouraging nod, and watched in shock when Hongbin walked inside. Had he seen him? Had he actually taken Hakyeon's guidance? Or was it simply wishful thinking?

Inside the house smelled musty, and Hongbin couldn't tell if it was from all of the hand-me-down furniture or the smoke that hung in the air. It seemed mostly concentrated upstairs, and that was where Taekwoon went. His long legs took two steps at a time and Hongbin felt like an awkward goat the way he trotted up one-by-one. The railing was busted and when he put his hand on it he almost screamed when it moved away from his hand.

There were three other men already upstairs. They passed a bowl between themselves and between lungfuls of smoke they carried on a loud conversation. They yelled rather than talked in order to get their voices above the (bad) rap music they had playing in the background. Red plastic cups sat in front of them on a wooden table with initials written on the side in black marker. Hongbin couldn't see what was in them, but he could see the condensation on the side. When they saw Taekwoon, they screamed their greetings and offered the three of them seats. Wonsik flopped down on one of the two couches immediately. He seemed too comfortable for this to be his first, second, or even third time visiting. Taekwoon introduced Hongbin and motioned for him to sit as one of his friends teased the younger for being shy. Taekwoon took the seat next to him.

The others passed the bowl to Taekwoon right as he sat down and he wasted no time taking a hit from it. He coughed a bit as he exhaled and then dumped it in the ashtray on the table. "This is dead, you assholes," he muttered. He waited for them to pack it before he hit it again and then passed it to Hongbin. "Do you want it?" Hongbin hesitated, but against his better judgment he nodded. Taekwoon held it in front of his face for him. "When I say inhale, do that, okay? Then wait a second before you exhale." The older brought the lighter to it and said, "Inhale," as he flicked it on, and Hongbin put his mouth to the end and did as he was told, but a little too enthusiastically. He tried to hold his breath like Taekwoon told him to but his composure was broken by a terrible fit of coughing. Taekwoon grabbed one of the cups off of the table and Hongbin took a generous gulp from it.

"What the hell is that?" he sputtered out once he had managed to swallow, and even Wonsik laughed at him when he was told it was beer. It tasted like water that had been left untouched in an open cup for a month.

After that, Hongbin had forgotten all about his anxieties regarding his exams or dinner. He let himself get caught up in the conversation. He didn't catch anybody's name, but it didn't matter. No one was calling anyone out directly. For the first time in what felt like ages, he was having fun.

"So Taekwoon's your...what did you say?" he asked Wonsik.

"Accompanist!" Wonsik piped up. When he saw Hongbin's confused look he added, "It means he plays the piano part for me while I perform my stuff. He's one of the best, oh my god, you should see him play. He's got magic fingers or something."

He had lost track of how many hits he'd taken, but it wasn't that many when he suddenly grabbed onto Taekwoon's shoulder and mumbled, "Woah."

The older laughed and snapped his fingers in Hongbin's face. When it took a second for Hongbin to register the action and focus on the hand in front of his face he patted him on the head. "That's enough for you."

"How do you feel?" Wonsik asked, and he did his best not to burst out laughing when Hongbin answered "warm" and nuzzled himself further into Taekwoon's side. Taekwoon had already tried to pry him off a couple times, but to Hongbin his own body was a deadweight and he just fell back over. If the other wasn't also stoned, he likely would've pushed Hongbin to the floor or just gotten up and moved. But he was, so he allowed Hongbin to cling to him like a koala.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," Hongbin announced. He stood up, his hand on Taekwoon's shoulder for support. Wonsik saw him wobble and tried to get up to assist, but his own knees were weak. Taekwoon gave Wonsik a reassuring look and guided Hongbin with a hand on his waist.

The only thing Hongbin did in the bathroom was splash water in his face. To his dismay, it did nothing. He hated how he felt so tired and everything felt so heavy. But he loved the warm feeling in his chest and the happiness he felt overall. It was as if the world could end in a meteor shower and he wouldn't feel a single worry. He dried his face off with a towel and left the bathroom. He had forgotten Taekwoon was there, and ran right into the man's chest. "Are you okay?"

Hongbin nodded. Then he realized: if the world really did end that night, what did he have to lose? The thought gave him a reckless edge, and he pulled Taekwoon into a kiss. It only took a moment for the older to reciprocate it, his hands on Hongbin's waist. Hongbin sighed into it and put his arms around Taekwoon's neck. Suddenly, he broke the kiss with a yelp as he felt Taekwoon's hands venture to the skin under his shirt.

"Are you okay?"

"Your hands are cold," the younger whined.

Taekwoon let out a sigh of relief. "You scared me. I thought I overstepped." Hongbin didn't answer, instead pulling him in for another kiss. It was rougher this time, Hongbin groaned into it and Taekwoon tried to sneak his tongue in. If a sober Hongbin could see him now, he would scream.

The second time, it was Taekwoon who broke the kiss, but he did so to pull Hongbin's shirt over his head. He placed a series of kisses along the smaller's jawline, then with a gravelly voice told him, "My room is down the hall."

Hongbin paused only for a moment to consider Wonsik, but if he hadn't noticed Hongbin hadn't come back by now, he likely had fallen asleep in their absence. "Okay."

He never saw the inside of Taekwoon's room - they were too busy with each other to even turn the lights on. They had hardly even made it to the room, stopping every few feet of progress to continue making out. He didn't remember when Taekwoon lost his shirt or even where his own ended up. He remembered being laid on the bed, how surprised he was by how comfortable it felt in comparison to the rest of the house. He remembered hands undoing his belt and unbuttoning his pants. He remembered hands on him and lips on his neck that brought out deep moans from the bottom of his chest. And he remembered finding truth in Wonsik's earlier statement: Taekwoon really did have magic fingers.

 

 

 **ii.**  Hongbin didn't have to see what time it was to know he had fucked up. The sunlight was bright even through the blinds - it shining in his eyes is what had woken him up in the first place - and the birds' morning chatter had by then subsided to occasional chirps.

He sat up quickly, not paying any mind to the fact that he could wake up the person next to him. The blanket was thrown haphazardly to the side, mostly on the floor but a corner of it managed to stay on the legs of the other man.

He paused. There was another man next to him? He took a moment to notice his surroundings - the keyboard against the wall, posters in frames, a shelf full of gently-loved books that weren't necessarily required by a professor, a bare wooden floor...He wasn't in his own room. He felt panic rise in his chest. What was he doing here? How could he be so stupid? The size of the bed alone should have given it away that he wasn't where he belonged. A chill ran down his spine and immediately he was self-conscious of how naked he was. He racked his brain through the events of the previous night, beginning with where the hell he was and how he had gotten there. "Goddammit, Wonsik," he muttered to himself as he picked the blanket off of the floor and wrapped it around his bare form. The limp mass on the bed groaned to life in response.

"What the hell are you doing up so early?"

Hongbin almost screamed. In the whirlwind of his thoughts he hadn't been conscious of how much noise he was making. But instead of apologizing he said, "Early?! It's...it's," he glanced at the clock and felt his mouth go dry, "it's almost one in the afternoon!" He began to scramble around the room on a search for his clothes. He saw his boxers under the bed and almost tripped as he pulled them on. "Fuck, have you seen my clothes?"

He heard a sigh, followed by a beat of silence - likely either an attempt to remember or a moment of complete mental blankness. "They're...somewhere. Check the floor."

It took all of Hongbin's might to not scream in frustration. He could feel the angry tears burning his eyes. "Please. I'm going to be late for my exam." He found his jeans on the floor and slid into them. There was one sock in the corner, but its match was nowhere to be seen. "No, I _am_ late for my exam." There was a pile of dirty clothes on the ground which he rummaged through then tossed to the side, and as he turned his hip bumped into the keyboard and sent it clattering to the floor.

“Careful with that,” said Taekwoon, “I need to practice for juries.”

Hongbin rolled his eyes, “I can’t find my shirt.”

“Just wear one of mine.”

“But,” he sputtered, “it would be enormous on me! I’ll look ridiculous.”

“You’re late, remember?”

Hongbin sighed. Taekwoon had a point, no matter how irritating. Hongbin grabbed the first shirt he saw - some baby blue t-shirt with a faded white band logo on the front - and pulled it over his head. It went halfway down to his thighs.

He never bothered to stop by his dorm to grab a pencil or anything, he’d just have to borrow it from somebody. But he wished he had at least given himself a once over before bolting out the door (he hadn’t even thought to check on Wonsik before he left) because it wasn’t until he was halfway there that he realized he had left his belt behind.

 

 

 **iii.**  “What the hell, dude?”

Hongbin didn’t realize anyone was speaking until the lights came on. When he realized it was Wonsik he groaned audibly and buried his head in his pillow. Why couldn’t anybody leave him alone?

Wonsik had no sympathy for his plight. “I can’t believe you left me there!” Hongbin didn’t even have to look at him to know he was pouting. “I bet Taekwoon would’ve left me, too, if he didn’t want your number so badly.”

This got Hongbin’s attention, and he sat upright immediately. “Wait, he what?”

Wonsik suddenly forgot his own irritation as a smirk formed on his face. It was the kind of smirk that usually meant he was sneaking out to do no good. Hongbin never asked what exactly he planned (mainly because he didn’t want to know), but it always caused the same sense of dread and anxiety he had begun to feel.

His roommate sighed for dramatic effect. "Well, if you hadn't been sleeping the day away, maybe you'd have a clue!" Hongbin threw his pillow and it hit Wonsik square on the head. He didn't need a reminder that when he fell asleep the sun had been out and it had since set meaning he had wasted an entire afternoon. He had already used up his luck for the week since that the professor for the exam he missed was going to allow him to take the test at the time slot later in the week.

"Yeah, I was sitting in the lobby today and he came up to ask about you." Wonsik looked so satisfied with himself but Hongbin was more upset with the fact that we was genuinely curious. "Said you left in a hurry."

"Oh, yeah, I..."

"You slept with him, didn't you?"

Hongbin's face immediately turned beet red and he started to sputter, "I was going to say I had a test!"

"Details!"

Freshmen weren't even allowed to choose their own roommates, but Hongbin found himself regretting everything he picked in that dang questionnaire the university had sent home to test compatibility. Wonsik wasn't the worst in the world in terms of mess, but why couldn't he at least have ticked the box saying he preferred someone with his own immaculate sense of cleanliness?

"Does it even matter?" He found himself saying. "We were both stoned as hell."

Wonsik rolled his eyes. "Of course it does. Because I am your best friend, and this is what best friends talk about."

"Wait? Since when were we best friends?"

"Since you decided to live your entire life in our dorm and not talk to anybody else." Hongbin wished he had waited to throw his pillow. "But hey, if you want to pursue this thing-"

"There is no thing!" Hongbin insisted. He didn't know why he was so embarrassed, especially because the fact that he had sex with Taekwoon wasn't even the source of his embarrassment. He couldn't actually be having feelings for this guy, could he? He'd never really had feelings for anybody. Did it even count if it was a result of his being under the influence?

Wonsik still had that stupid look on his face. "Well, when you decide to stop swimming in the Nile, I'll be here bragging about how I set you guys up."

"Oh, it was no thanks to you," Hongbin retorted, "You fucking passed out."

"I introduced you."

Hongbin ignored him, realizing there was going to be no way he could convince Wonsik otherwise. He finally lifted his blanket off of himself and slid out of bed to sit at his desk. The open mouth of his backpack gaped at him, and he pulled out one of his heavier textbooks to begin studying. If he was going to waste his days, he may as well make up for it during the night.

 

 

 **iv.**  Hakyeon watched him all night, but there was only one thing on his mind: Hongbin had seemed so happy to be with this Taekwoon guy, why was he reluctant to see him again? Sure, he had needed a bit of encouragement to loosen up and enjoy himself, but it wasn't like an occasional indulgence was a bad thing. Humans had such a warped sense of sin that they couldn't enjoy themselves without feeling guilty, and it made Hakyeon sad. All he wanted was to see people smile, but people never allowed themselves such.

He decided that even though he couldn't force Hongbin to be with Taekwoon, he could at least do his best to get them to talk again. He knew with exams Hongbin had a pretty open schedule. There had to be at least one day where their paths collided.

He looked at Wonsik's side of the room. It was relatively clean apart from his desk where papers and books and candy wrappers were stacked and spread out haphazardly, minus a small area around his laptop as if he dug a moat there. There had to be a calendar of events somewhere in the mess.

Taekwoon had said he had juries. Maybe Hongbin's visit could coincide with that?

Hakyeon needed advice. He had never been a matchmaker before. He found the human concept of relationships both alluring and perplexing. The idea of being emotionally intertwined with somebody was the most attractive part of it, but there was so much give-and-take that went into it and humans often found their romanticized ideals overpowering what was actually feasible, turning something that should be warm and welcoming into a storm of misinterpretation and hurt.

But he couldn't get advice for this. He was already dangerously attached to Hongbin for what was acceptable, and Angels weren't supposed to meddle in affairs, only guide them. But what was considered "guidance" to everybody else just didn't make sense to Hakyeon. Didn't it tear the others up inside when they saw their charges caught in a cycle of self-inflicted misery? Especially when they could do so much more to push them in the right direction? To Hakyeon guidance took the form of a gentle hand on the shoulder rather than a whispered word in the wind.

He wished Jaehwan was a Guardian alongside him. He was the only one Hakyeon trusted to sympathize with him rather than attempt to change his mind. He missed Jaehwan. Despite being with Hongbin all the time, he was lonely. Possibly the loneliest he'd ever been in his existence. He couldn't speak with Hongbin. As far as Hongbin was concerned he wasn't even there.

Maybe this was why the others distanced themselves so much.

He was jolted from his thoughts by the sound of a book slamming. Hongbin was slumped over in his chair, head on top of his textbook. Hakyeon tried to remember the last time he ate, and he doubted the mortal had any idea either. He went over to the fridge Hongbin and Wonsik shared and pulled out an apple to place on top of the fridge. He hoped that Hongbin would at least spot it before climbing into bed again.

Fifteen minutes later, when the light went out and Hongbin finally moved from his desk and clambered towards his bed, the apple was ignored. Hakyeon waited until Hongbin's breathing evened out, then grabbed his phone. It took him a couple tries to correctly guess the password (he had figured out the variations Hongbin used on most of his accounts, it was just a matter of choosing the right one), but once he managed it he set a ten o'clock alarm. Five hours of sleep was generous, right? He didn't have an exam the next day anyway.

An idea struck Hakyeon then. Hongbin had the day off. Sure, he would spend most of it studying, but there would certainly be an opportunity for him to stretch his legs. The only issue was the weather, but Hakyeon set out a coat and scarf as incentive. Now all he had to do was wait until morning.

It was a long wait.

He tried to take care of his boredom by drawing in the fog on the frosted windows. Then he tried to teach himself how to write the human languages. But it was difficult on a slate he couldn't reuse. After about an hour of that he laid on his back and let his mind wander. As the sun rose he watched to listened to whatever birds hadn’t left in search of warmer weather.

He perked up when he heard high-pitched, upbeat music - it was the alarm he had set. He turned his attention to Hongbin, then watched in dismay as the human turned off the alarm and went back to sleep.

Hongbin didn't do anything during exam week other than study. He never left his room unless he absolutely had to  - "absolutely had to" being code for Wonsik not wanting to eat in the dining hall alone. It wasn’t until the end of the week when exams were over and everybody moved out that Hakyeon would get his way.

Hongbin had told his parents he was going to stay with Wonsik for the short holiday. Wonsik had a flat right within city limits while his family was a significant drive away. It was mainly for the purpose of being able to keep his job at the bookstore during the break, but he didn't have any ill feelings about missing his family either.

He was loading his bag into the back of Wonsik's car when it happened. Wonsik sat in the driver's seat picking at his nails while he waited for his roommate when Taekwoon approached him. Hongbin couldn't hear what they were talking about at first, and he wasn't acknowledged so he didn't know if he was even seen. He pretended to rummage around in his bag for a moment and he heard a couple of words that he didn't know the definition of, so they must have been talking about some major music project they had coming up in the next semester.

Hakyeon used this as his opportunity. He knew Hongbin wasn't going to go up and talk to Taekwoon himself, so he had to take matters into his own hands. When the human made his move to close the trunk and walk around the car, Hakyeon stuck out his foot and tripped him.

Hongbin did not fall gracefully, in fact he almost got a couple rocks in his mouth. When he looked up, Taekwoon stood in front of him with an arm extended as an offer of assistance. He didn't take it, just pushed himself up and wiped the grit off his palms onto his thighs. His mouth opened and closed a few times but no words came out - he noticed his tongue was dry. He cursed himself internally. He had been so close to avoiding Taekwoon until he left. He had been more emotionally affected by their hook-up than he realized at first, and had hoped if he didn't see the older until after the holiday that maybe his feelings would dissipate just like the clouds of his breath in the winter air.

"Hey," Taekwoon said. He put his hand behind his back when he realized Hongbin wasn't going to take it. Hongbin was having a difficult time discerning the look on his face. Was the jerk smirking?

"Hey." He looked at his feet. Then Taekwoon. Then his feet again. He didn't know what to do with his eyes and it felt like the eyes of everyone else still left on campus bore into him and flickered with amusement at his unease.

"How've you been?"

Hongbin finally made proper eye contact, but only so long as he fiddled with the end of his sleeve. "Oh, you know. Finals."

This time Taekwoon smiled - a good proper smile with teeth and a chuckle.

Hongbin realized he was being rude and quickly followed up with, "What about you?"

A shrug in response. "Oh, I don't know. It wasn't awful but also not my proudest moment in life."

"He's being modest!" Wonsik shouted from the front seat. "Everyone listened through the door during your juries, you kicked ass!"

Taekwoon waved him off and turned back to Hongbin. There was a look swimming in his eyes that the younger couldn't quite place. Anticipation, or nerves, maybe? "So, uh, I," he stuttered. Hongbin had never heard him speak without an air of cool mystery, it was jarring to see him stumble. "Do you live around here?"

"Not really," Hongbin answered and he could've sworn he spotted disappointment on the other's face in the moment before he clarified, "but Wonsik got an apartment in the city and I'll be staying with him for the break. I got a job at the bookstore so it's better for me to stay nearby."

This time Taekwoon actually paid attention to Wonsik. "You have an apartment but you live on campus?"

"It's my stepdad's."

"Free rent?!"

"Freshmen can't live off campus, remember?"

Taekwoon rolled his eyes. "He's so easy to pick on." Hongbin laughed. It was true. Wonsik was a bit of a jokester himself, but couldn't always understand that the jabs toward him were all in good fun, and misinterpreted them as personal. "Anyway, I wanted to ask," he took in a breath as if trying to psyche himself up, "do you want to do something sometime?"

Hongbin gaped like an idiot again. He likely looked like a fish out of water at that point.

"If you don't want to it's fine-"

"No, no! I do! It's just, well, I've never really been asked that before."

Taekwoon smiled again. Hongbin was beginning to grow fond of that smile. "Can I have your number? I'll text you later."

"Yeah, yeah," Hongbin fumbled for his phone in his pocket and handed it over. He watched Taekwoon's thumbs dance on the screen for a moment before he gave the phone back. Hongbin looked at it and saw that he had sent himself a text from Hongbin's phone as well as added his number.

"See you!" Taekwoon said as he ruffled Hongbin's hair and walked away to go wherever he was going to finish whatever he was doing. Hongbin stood where he was and watched him disappear, as if his feet were glued to the pavement.

He was startled out of his trance by Wonsik shouting something out the window. He didn't quite here what it was, but he heard enough to know that "Fuck you" was the only plausible response.

 

 

 **v.** Taekwoon didn't text him that night. Nor did he text him the night after. And Hongbin lamented about it the entire time. His attention was completely fixated on his phone - his eyes glued to it whenever there was nothing else in need of his immediate attention. Every hour or so he let out a long groan and complained about how he had rotten luck and nobody ever texted him back.

"If I had known you were going to be this loud I wouldn't have invited you to stay with me," Wonsik told him. It was obviously a jest but it didn't stop Hongbin from feeling bad because, yeah, he was being a little obnoxious about it.

So when Taekwoon texted him in the middle of the afternoon and Hongbin jumped up from the sofa to pace around the shared living space, he was glad Wonsik wasn't around to laugh at him.

 **taekwoon  
** [2:46] You free tonight?

Hongbin tried to contain himself. He wanted to respond with "yes!" right away, but he didn't want to seem overeager or too desperate. He'd done well enough keeping his interest hidden until now, he didn't want to suddenly advertise it in neon lights just because he got a phone number.

He took in a breath, collected his thoughts, then responded.

 **hongbin  
** [2:49] yeah. what are you up to?

Three minutes was a safe enough amount of time to wait, right? Not too quick, but not too long either - the last thing he wanted was for Taekwoon to assume he wasn't interested at all.

 **taekwoon**  
[2:51] i was thinking of going into the city for a bit tonight. maybe get something to eat?  
[2:51] Do you like sushi?

Hongbin suddenly became so antsy he couldn't stand to sit down any longer. He stood up and paced around the room. Did he like sushi? He hadn't had it in a while. He knew he only liked particular kinds but he couldn't remember which ones - maybe Taekwoon could help him figure it out. He just knew the last thing he wanted was to say "no" and have Taekwoon ask someone else.

 **hongbin  
** [2:55] i don't have it often  
[2:55] but i'd love to go!

While he waited for a response he opened the browser on his phone and searched for sushi places nearby. A lot of them were incredibly fancy and something he would place outside of Taekwoon's budget - or any university student's budget, really. They were the kinds of places with low lighting and dark furniture where he'd mostly expect to see couples in their thirties who were trying to escape their kids for the night.

 **taekwoon  
** [2:57] Okay! I'll pick you up at 7.  
[2:57] What's your address?

Hongbin sent it to him and put his phone down. Then picked it up again and stared at the screen, completely mesmerized by the exchange of messages. Was this a date? Did Taekwoon just ask him out? Or did he just not want to be alone for the night? Sure, they had slept together, but it had only been a one time thing and his time at university had shown him that sexual encounters weren't always romantic in nature. Sometimes they were just casual.

He considered what he had done with Taekwoon to be casual in that particular instance, but he caught himself secretly hoping there was something more to be found.

 

 

 **vi.**  "Ooh, did you finally get a date?" Wonsik asked when he came home and saw Hongbin in the bathroom practically sweating from nerves. He had already tried on three outfits by that point and he couldn't find a single one to fit the look he aimed for. A suit was far too formal, but a nice shirt and jeans may not be formal enough. A sweater and pants may have been okay but he didn't have any that looked nice together.

"I don't know if it's a date," Hongbin corrected, "he just asked me to eat with him." A shirt and a bow tie sounded like a good idea, but as he rummaged through his drawers he came to find he hadn't thought to pack one all those months ago when he left for school. His heart sank.

"Is anyone going with you guys?"

Hongbin stopped what he was doing. He had been so caught up in his excitement that he hadn't thought to ask. "I don't know." He finally decided to swallow his shame and go with the nice grey shirt with long sleeves and dark jeans. He'd be wearing his black coat over it anyway because of the chill. He returned to the bathroom to make sure his hair looked fine.

"Well, if you're alone, it's totally a date."

Hongbin could see Wonsik's shit-eating grin in the mirror. "If I wasn't so worried about my hair right now," he said as he ran a brush through it and checked to be sure it was parted properly, "I would kick your ass."

His phone buzzed and he rushed out of the bathroom to grab his coat and put on his shoes. Taekwoon was waiting outside.

"Be safe!" Wonsik called after him, followed by a remark about condoms that Hongbin didn't hear because he had already let the door close.

He stepped outside and felt a mist on his face. It was raining. His spirits dropped as he silently lamented the time he had spent on his hair. He scanned his eyes over the parking lot before he remembered that he had no idea what Taekwoon's car looked like. He had never had reason to see it before, and it wasn't until the older flashed his lights at him that he found him.

When he slid into the passenger's side seat, his first thought was how impressed he was by how clean Taekwoon kept his car. He was used to Wonsik's where it was essentially guaranteed there would be food wrappers and coffee cups under his feet. His second thought was his realization that there was nobody else in the car with them and he felt his stomach immediately tie itself in knots.

"You look nice," Taekwoon remarked.

Hongbin felt heat blossom in his cheeks and was glad that it was dark and his face was hard to read. He looked Taekwoon over, and it was difficult in the minimal light but he could definitely see he wore a leather jacket and that alone was pretty hot. "Thanks," he managed to push out after a brief struggle with his words, "you, too."

Taekwoon pulled out of the lot slowly and Hongbin watched the shadows dance in the headlights. The silence had begun to eat at him and he wondered if Taekwoon felt it as thick in the air as he did. The radio was on, but it was so low it was difficult for Hongbin to tell what was even playing other than the fact that he was almost certain it had heavy synthesizers of some nature. He could always ask exactly where they were going, but it didn't seem as pressing of an issue now that he was finally in the car with Taekwoon. He realized his worries earlier about liking the food had been completely irrelevant - he'd go hunting for earthworms with Taekwoon if he asked.

The restaurant itself wasn't even that far since Wonsik's flat was already within city limits - Hongbin speculated they could have walked there in about twenty minutes. It took longer for Taekwoon to find somewhere to park than it took for him to drive there, and Hongbin tensed up a bit each time he heard the older curse under his breath. He had never seen him angry before, and he really didn't want that night to be the first instance. Thankfully Taekwoon found a spot with a parking meter and couple blocks down before the situation escalated.

"We can walk next time," Hongbin offered when the engine’s hum cut out and he unbuckled his seatbelt.

Taekwoon remained still for a moment, making no move to leave the car as he mulled the idea over in his head. "Yeah, we should do that next time. Probably a better idea."

Next time. It didn't even register with Hongbin when he first said it, but now that Taekwoon seemed to reciprocate the sentiment it hit him full force. He had agreed to see him again without even seeing what this first night would be like.

They got out of the car, and as they walked Hongbin felt Taekwoon sneak his arm around to hold him by the waist. Hongbin panicked and pulled himself just out of reach. Then, embarrassed and feeling as if he made a mistake, he apologized, "Sorry." Silence. "I'm just not used to-"

"It's okay," Taekwoon cut him off. He was thankful for the other's words, mainly because his own had begun to run together and were headed nowhere fast. He didn't want to fuck up more than he was already afraid he had.

When they reached the restaurant, Hongbin felt his mouth go dry. He didn't know what he was nervous about, but all of the sudden his nerves were the only thing he could feel. Was it because of the line out the door, indicating an even bigger crowd inside? He'd never been much of a fan of crowds, even as a kid. And he hated feeling trapped even more. Was it that from what he could see through the windows the restaurant looked slightly outside of both of their budgets? But how did he bring that up now that they were there? Or was it the fact that the reality of the night had finally hit him and burned into him with the same ferocity as the neon sign above the door?

His face must have given away his panic because Taekwoon tapped him on the shoulder and asked, "Are you feeling okay? You look a little pale."

"There's a lot- there's a lot of people in there."

"Would you like to go somewhere else?"

Hongbin blinked in surprise. He hadn't expected that offer to come so quickly. "Are you sure?"

Taekwoon smiled. "Yeah, let's go. It's not like I made a reservation or anything. We probably won't even get a table for an hour anyway."

Hongbin nodded and a genuine smile finally broke through his nervous facade and graced his own face. He hooked his arm in Taekwoon's. "Lead the way."

The city was beautiful at night. Hongbin had never allowed himself the opportunity to stop and take everything in, and it was incredible. The glow of the traffic lights overhead, the headlights and brakelights of all of the cars in the road, the neon burning in the night over every storefront, and not to mention all of the people who walked in every which direction entirely consumed by worlds of their own. It was fascinating to be surrounded by so many people but simultaneously so completely isolated. He found solace in that.

Taekwoon stopped at a coffee kiosk near one of the crosswalks and got himself a coffee. "You're going to be up all night," Hongbin tried to tell him, but the older simply laughed and shrugged him off and asked what he wanted. He tried to protest, but Taekwoon insisted on it being his treat. After a moment of arguing with himself, he asked for the first things he saw on the menu - a hot apple cider and one of the sweet, flaky pastries. He offered Taekwoon a taste once they got it, but the other declined.  
  
There was a river that ran through the middle of the city with two bridges above it, one for automobile traffic and the other for pedestrians. They were halfway across the walking bridge when Taekwoon stopped and looked over the side. Hongbin imitated him and focused on the last bit of the pastry as it melted in his mouth. The lights of both sides of the city reflected in the river, and when the ripples moved just right they converged together. Hongbin found himself mesmerized by the way the water distorted the image but preserved the luminescence.  
  
But there was a question that still burned in the back of his mind, the embers of which glowed like the city lights. He took in a deep breath and collected his courage.  
  
"Is this a date?"  
  
Taekwoon took a sip of his coffee. Every second he spent in silence sent Hongbin's head spinning an extra mile per minute. "Do you want it to be?"  
  
This wasn't at all the response Hongbin expected, nor was it the one he wanted. He searched his mind for the correct answer, but there wasn't one. He had no choice but to go with honesty and that on its own was terrifying, let alone the prospect of rejection. "I was sort of hoping, yeah."  
  
Instead of answering with words, Taekwoon pulled Hongbin close and kissed him on the lips.  
  
There was an overwhelming urge Hongbin always felt when he was at a height such as the one on the bridge, and that was to take the most valuable object from his pocket and throw it over. Reason always convinced him not to, told him he would regret it, but how long would it take for the regret to set in? Would he scream the instant the object left his hand or would he watch it as it fell and disappeared with an unceremonious "plop" into the water below and count his losses in silent remorse?  
  
When Taekwoon kissed him, he felt his heart leap over the edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the goal is to update every friday! here's hoping i can keep it up ;;  
> comments & kudos are appreciated! ♡
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/haken) / [twitter](https://twitter.com/emohongbin)


	3. Chapter 3

**i.** Hongbin quickly found that intimacy wasn’t nearly as difficult or intimidating as he had originally feared. If anything, it was his loneliness that had become more unbearable than before. Before Taekwoon being alone was simply one facet of his existence, but it had since become something he was hypersensitive to. Being alone had grown from being a small nag at the back of his mind to the focus of his thoughts.

He looked at his phone. It had only been two minutes since the last time he checked it. He groaned. He knew Taekwoon was an adult and all and had to work and have a life aside from him, but he was also selfish. Hongbin didn't know how to do anything in moderation - he had to jump in headfirst and he had only recently discovered love was no exception.

Not even his job at the bookstore could distract him. Every so often he'd be stocking shelves and find some cheesy romance novel that would put a longing in his heart despite the fact that it also made him scoff and roll his eyes. And at least once a day he would see a couple in the cafe that made him wish that were him and Taekwoon instead.

On nights where he was alone he spent his time sifting through the extra comics he was allowed to take home, but rarely was he able to concentrate on what he was actually reading. He never noticed the small pile Hakyeon always set aside at the end of the bed of titles the angel thought would captivate him.

“Is Taekwoon still in there?” Wonsik called from outside the room.

Hongbin chuckled to himself. Wonsik had a terrible habit of walking in on him and Taekwoon - just the night before he had opened the door to see Hongbin with his head thrown back sighing in pleasure with Taekwoon’s head between his thighs. He had offered to let Wonsik join them (unbeknownst to his flatmate Hongbin wasn’t joking at all - his intrusions were so frequent it was something he and Taekwoon had discussed one night after a few shots) and was answered with red-faced sputtering and a slamming door.

Hakyeon had done his best to avert these crises, from trying to grab Wonsik’s attention with something on the television to using his imperceptibility to stick out his leg and trip Wonsik in the middle of the floor. But there wasn’t much he could do for cluelessness or poor judgment.

“No, he left ages ago. You’re safe.”

Despite Hongbin’s confirmation Wonsik only opened the door a crack and peeked through before he dared to enter. “Wipe that grin off your face,” he grumbled.

Hongbin made no move to meet his request. "What do you need?"

"You know that freshman seminar you took last semester?"

Hongbin groaned upon remembering. He hardly even knew what the seminar was supposed to be about with the way the professor talked in circles. "What about it?"

"I'm taking the spring semester of it. Could I borrow the books if you still have them?"

"Yeah, go for it. I didn't even use them, though." That was the part that had annoyed Hongbin the most. The books were sold as a set so he had no choice but to buy all of them at once rather than rent, and in the end the professor only required they open a couple of them once or twice. He wished his bookstore job would give him something useful instead of comic books no one wanted.

"Thanks!" Wonsik turned to leave then paused as if he forgot something. "Are you going to be around tonight?"

"I don't know. Taekwoon gets off work in an hour, he said he wanted to show me something. Won't tell me what it is, though, it’s a 'surprise.'"

"Aw, how romantic."

"Please," Hongbin rolled his eyes, "it's likely anything but."

"Give him a break," Wonsik told him, "he tries his best."

Hongbin didn't respond to that, just smiled softly. The other had a point, and it was one of Hongbin's favorite things about Taekwoon.

"Well, knowing you it's going to take you the entire hour to get ready, so I'll let you be," Wonsik teased before he left without giving Hongbin a chance of retort.

 

 

 

**ii.** The night itself turned out to be nothing special - they just went to Taekwoon's house and sat around. They had a dinner of buttered pasta because they couldn't be bothered to go anywhere and there was nothing else in the house. After that they joined Taekwoon's housemates in smoking away what was left of their paychecks and Hongbin came to the realization that he had never seen them do anything else. He didn't mind it, though, not when he laid on the couch with his head on Taekwoon's shoulder and his arms around the older's waist with a warm feeling in his chest. Taekwoon kissed the top of his head and stroked his hair.

"So, what'd you want to show me?" Hongbin asked after what felt like half an hour but had likely only been five minutes.

Taekwoon sighed and his head fell. "We have to get up for me to show you," he whined.

Hongbin pulled on his shirt sleeve. "I don't mind. Let's go."

"I can't get up with you hanging on me like this."

"Why not?" Hongbin teased, "You're big and strong."

Taekwoon rolled his eyes. "I'm not that strong. Especially not after smoking that. Are you sure we have to get up?"

Hongbin tugged on the sleeve of his sweater. "Please?"

Taekwoon finally surrendered himself to the younger's wishes and pushed him aside so he could stand, then offered a hand to help Hongbin to his own two feet. Hongbin held onto his arm even after he was up, not quite as steady on his feet as he would have liked. He let Taekwoon lead him to his room and then plopped down on the bed while the other went digging through his closet for something.

“Please tell me you’re looking for something other than condoms,” Hongbin said, “I’m not in the mood.”

Taekwoon scoffed and Hongbin couldn’t see his face but he knew he rolled his eyes. “Everything is sex with you.” He turned to face Hongbin, the keyboard that had almost been broken the first time they slept together in his hands. “There’s more ways to be intimate, you know.”

Hongbin waved him off. “I’m way too stoned to be having this conversation. What did you want to show me, anyway?”

Taekwoon sat cross legged on the floor, keyboard in front of him. He powered it on and ran up and down a couple scales to warm up. “Well, I have my senior recital this semester, and most of the repertoire has to be pieces I’ve worked on during my lessons, but,” he messed around with different chords as he spoke, an anxious kind of fiddling, “I have a set of original compositions.”

“That’s so cool,” Hongbin was doing his best not to gape like a fish out of water, but he couldn’t help himself.

“They’re about you.”

Hongbin didn’t know what to say, but luckily he didn’t have to say anything. Taekwoon went to work on the keys, eyes closed. His fingers moved with such fluidity and grace that they were a spectacle all on their own. The music was soft and had the quality of feathers floating on the breeze, and yet it moved him with the power of a tropical storm. He didn't have to know anything about music to feel the emotion behind it.

“Are you crying?”

The music had put Hongbin in such a trance he hadn’t even noticed it stopped let alone the tears that escaped his eyes without permission. He sniffled and wiped them away, but otherwise didn’t acknowledge them. If he hadn’t been so stoned he would have flat out denied them.  “That’s incredible,”  he muttered, “no one’s ever done something so personal for me before.”

He wanted to say more - there was a phrase stuck in the back of his throat. He swallowed his pride and spoke it:

“I love you.”

 

 

 

**iii.** “I’m the worst boyfriend ever,” Hongbin groaned as he slammed the car door shut.

“What makes you say that?” Wonsik asked, climbing out of the driver’s seat and making his way for the dorm. They each had a duffel bag filled with clothes slung over a shoulder, the only stuff they bothered to take with them for break other than the essentials.

Hongbin sighed, a puff of breath leaving his lips and floating into the air. “Well, you know how Taekwoon has that recital this semester?” Wonsik nodded knowingly and kicked a loose rock in their path. "I was at his house the other night and he played some of it for me, and-"

"And then he played  _ you _ ?"

Hongbin picked a pebble up off of the ground and threw it at his roommate's shoulder. "That doesn't even sound hot, first of all," he said, then continued, "He has an entire set of self-composed pieces. He said they're about me."

"And you  _ still _ didn't fuck him? After that gesture?"

"I was stoned and I was tired." He had no idea why he sounded so defensive.

They had reached the door and Wonsik used his keycard to unlock it. "That would have made it all the better."

"That's not what this is about." Luckily for Hongbin it was a short walk down the hall to their room because he was ready to start shouting. When the door clicked shut behind them he finally spoke again, "I told him I love him, Wonsik. And I have nothing to show for it."

Wonsik's bag hit the floor with a thump and he began to unpack. "That can't be true."

"Of course it is. I don't pay attention - it's been three months almost and I don't even have a clue what he likes." He let himself fall back onto his bed, a motion weighed down by the hopelessness he felt. "I don't know what his favorite restaurant is - or his favorite food for that matter. I only barely learned his coffee order. And I can't do creative stuff like you guys. I'm not cut out for it. And any day now he's going to get out of this blissful fog and wake up and walk away."

"Whoa, Hongbin," Wonsik's voice took a softer tone, "what's wrong?"

"I just told you what's wrong!"

"It's valid, but," he looked back and forth between the ground and Hongbin, as if he were afraid to let his gaze fall on anything in particular and betray his feelings, "is there something bigger? Something deeper?"

Hongbin's chest felt tight, like a knot being pulled harder and harder. He almost stopped breathing in order to hold back his tears - he had promised himself he wouldn't cry in front of someone else again. So much for that. "I have no idea what I'm doing, Wonsik." He fell back, let his head hit the pillow. "I'm supposed to declare a major by the end of the semester - I don't even know what my hobbies are, let alone what I want to do for the rest of my life." He was still valiantly fighting his tears, knowing that the river would spill over the instant he let one go.

Wonsik sat down on his respective bed. Hongbin didn't look at him - he didn't want to see the pity on his face. "You don't have to figure it out, Hongbin."

"Easy for you to say," Hongbin scoffed, "you've known what you wanted to do since you were two." There was no response to this and Hongbin felt a twinge of guilt for saying it, but it wasn't strong enough to make him take the words back.

He heard Wonsik inhale and exhale loudly. Another beat of silence. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

They didn't talk for the rest of the night. Hongbin wasn't even aware of when the sun went down, only noticing darkness when Wonsik turned off the light and settled down to sleep. He scrolled through his phone through the evening, and well into the night, not talking to anyone but wishing someone would make the effort to reach out to him. Namely Taekwoon. His boyfriend had an odd talent for messaging Hongbin exactly when he was feeling bored or horny, surely he could tell when he felt like he was going to fall over the edge.

But no text ever came, of course. Nobody was that good.

It was nearly two in the morning when Hongbin finally gave up hope and turned onto his side to try and sleep. He closed his eyes and imagined the warmth of Taekwoon in a pair of arms around his waist.

What he didn't know was even though Taekwoon wasn't there, Hakyeon was. He was wrapped around Hongbin's form from behind, arms around the mortal's waist and head rested on his shoulder. He would always do his best to keep the embers of Hongbin's heart warm, even when the winter tried to snuff them out.

 

 

 

**iv.** The semester dragged on and nothing seemed to improve. Hongbin was trapped by his despair - it seemed as if every time things began to look up it grabbed him and pulled him back down. He need something - anything - to lift him up and keep his spirits high. It didn’t help that he missed Taekwoon’s recital to attend an evening lecture with a guest speaker for one of his classes. He had to be one of the worst boyfriends to exist.

He was watching one of the videos of the recital Taekwoon had sent him when he received a text on his phone from the man.

**taekwoon:  
** [21:16] Are you busy?

Just seeing his name on the screen filled Hongbin’s heart with excitement. It felt like he hadn’t seen his boyfriend in ages because of school - and despite the fact that in reality “ages” was hardly a week, it felt like the end of a drought. He didn’t hesitate to respond.

**hongbin:  
** [21:17] no. what’s up?

The thirty seconds it took Taekwoon to respond felt eternal.

**taekwoon:  
** [21:17] Meet me outside of your dorm. I’m going to pick you up.

**hongbin:  
** [21:18] for what?

But he never received a response to that last text. Taekwoon must have already been in his car and driving. He put on his coat as if to leave, but then sat back on his bed to ponder the older’s words. Taekwoon had never kept their dates secret from him. It made him tingle with both excitement and apprehension. He didn’t have too long to wonder before his phone buzzed to tell him Taekwoon was there. He wasted no time, only remembering to text Wonsik he was leaving as he bounded down the dorm building’s front steps. He was so caught up in his own head that he almost slipped on a slick patch.

Taekwoon leaned in to peck him on the cheek as he slid into the passenger’s seat. “Where are we going?”

Taekwoon chuckled, a sheepish smiled on his face, “You’ll see.”

Hongbin pouted and let out a drawn out whine. “You know I hate secrets.”

Taekwoon looked at him, reached over and pinched Hongbin’s left cheek between a thumb and forefinger. “It’s not a secret, babe,” Hongbin felt his heart flutter at the nickname, “It’s a surprise. And you’re going to love it, I promise.” When Hongbin frowned he added, “I’ve never broken my promises. Not to you.”

“I know,” Hongbin sighed, “I’m just nervous.” After all, how could Taekwoon promise Hongbin would love something when Hongbin himself couldn’t say the same. 

“Trust me.”

Hongbin nodded, but he didn’t speak his agreement and he wasn’t looking at Taekwoon anymore. He wanted so badly to trust and believe in his judgment, but trust was difficult. He never knew if he was putting it in the right place and in the past it had always come back to bite him in the ass. What kind of man did that make him if he couldn’t wholeheartedly trust his lover? Especially when Taekwoon gave his trust unconditionally.

He watched the streetlights go by outside the car window and briefly imagined life without them. Would he still be able to find his way home if all of the lights in the city - or the world - inexplicably went out all at once? He thought so, but he had a suspicion he was giving himself too much credit.

He didn’t know the roads well enough to be able to tell exactly where Taekwoon was taking him, but he knew it was somewhere different - a part of the city he had never had a chance to explore. He considered the idea of Taekwoon surprising him with a new restaurant, but then the older pulled the car over to park at a meter. And even if he hadn’t, his surprises always tended to have a more personal touch.

Hakyeon watched as Taekwoon exited the car, then walked to Hongbin’s side to help him out and place a few coins in the parking meter. He could feel Taekwoon’s anxiety just as prominently as Hongbin’s, but didn’t have a clue what the man had in store.

Hongbin sunk into his jacket when he felt the winter air against his face. He realized as he licked his lips that he had forgotten to put chapstick on and hoped Taekwoon wouldn’t steal a kiss. He had in no way been prepared to go out (it wouldn’t have killed him to take a shower) and he felt disgusting. Taekwoon offered his hand, that nervous smile still on his face, and Hongbin took it but only under the unspoken condition that they put their hands in one of his coat pockets. Taekwoon didn’t pull away from the action - he never seemed to mind when it came to Hongbin’s comfort. “Can I know where we’re going now?” he asked when they began to walk, his words floating away in clouds.

Taekwoon faked a dramatic sigh. “Well, if you  _ must _ know,” Hongbin rolled his eyes at the tone of voice, “I’m not going to tell you exactly where -”

“Oh, come on!”

Taekwoon put a finger of his free hand to his lips, “ - but I can tell you a little bit about it. And what it’s not.”

“ _ Please. _ ”

Hakyeon himself couldn’t help but be amused by Hongbin’s impatience. Taekwoon really had a heart of gold putting up with him like this.

“Well, I notice how many pictures you take with your phone when we’re out,” he began, and Hongbin blushed - he had thought he was being discreet, “so I tried to pick somewhere beautiful. Like you.”

Hongbin elbowed him in the side and scoffed, “Shut up.”

Taekwoon continued unperturbed, “This place still hasn’t taken down their holiday lights and it looks amazing when it’s reflected in the water. You just have to see it.”

The warmth in Taekwoon’s eyes when he explained the place to Hongbin turned his anxiety into excitement. What was he waiting for? Why weren’t they there already? And Taekwoon had seen this place and thought of  _ him _ ? The weight of the gesture had hit him full force. What joy it was to be loved - to have someone look at him and see stars when all he could see was dust.

Lord, what could he ever do in return?

Suddenly Taekwoon let go of his hand and covered Hongbin’s eyes. “We’re almost there.”

Hongbin felt his apprehension return. He so badly wanted to scream - to rip Taekwoon’s hands off of his face out of fear of tripping over his own two feet and complain loudly that Taekwoon should just lead him there. The problem was that Taekwoon would do it. When questioned, given a choice between anything, he would always choose Hongbin - even over himself. He had proven it every single time without faltering. And what had Hongbin done? He took everything. He thanked Taekwoon graciously (primarily because he didn’t believe he deserved any of it), but that was all. Taekwoon had given him his heart and Hongbin hadn’t even offered his own to fill the hole. He would give his body any day, but that was worthless without what was inside.

So he let Taekwoon be his eyes because as much as his boyfriend was doing for him, Hongbin also knew how important it was to Taekwoon himself. How much thought he had put into it. How proud he was. And how excited he was for Hongbin to see it.

Suddenly, somewhere in the middle of Hongbin’s thoughts, they stopped. He heard Taekwoon count down from three and the hands were removed from his face.

Hongbin’s mouth almost fell to the floor. Taekwoon had found a small park right in the middle of the city. There was a pond in the middle and trees all along the stone paved path. And Taekwoon hadn’t been lying about the lights still being up but instead of the eyesore of the multi-colored Christmas lights he gazed upon the white ones. And the way they reflected upon the water - almost picture perfect with the exception of slight ripples from a kind of waterfowl unidentifiable in the low light. The park was simple and cliche in its design, but despite that (and likely because of it) it was beautiful.

He was about to take a picture, mainly because he thought Taekwoon expected him to, when he felt the other tap him to get his attention. When Hongbin turned around, the man was on one knee.

Hongbin was overwhelmed, and not in a good way. The dam keeping him from spilling over had broken. How long had Taekwoon been planning this? Had he thought it through? Did he talk to any of his friends about it? Did he realize how scary this was? That was what Hongbin felt the most - fear. The fear of the unknown that had plagued him since the holidays ended and the new semester began. He could hardly see himself getting to finals. His parents didn’t even know about Taekwoon. How was he supposed to answer a question that would either bind him to one man for the rest of his life or put a dent in their relationship for the foreseeable future? There was absolutely no way he would be able to get out of bed every morning if he knew he had caused Taekwoon such pain.

Hakyeon wanted him to say “yes” so badly. He knew how good Taekwoon was for Hongbin - he could see it in both of their eyes. He saw it every day when Hongbin was struggling to perform simple functions but a “good morning” text from Taekwoon was enough to get him moving. But the hardest part of Hakyeon’s responsibility was no matter how good something was there was no way he could force Hongbin to do it. At that moment it didn’t matter what Hongbin did - he was going to shatter.

Taekwoon must have realized the tears in Hongbin’s eyes weren’t from happiness because he didn’t even bother with the ring. He stood up and took Hongbin into his arms. He kissed him on the top of his head and rubbed the center of his back with his hand. “It’s okay,” he whispered, “it’s not your fault.”

But this only made Hongbin cry harder and bury his head deeper in his boyfriend’s chest. Didn’t he see that this was entirely Hongbin’s fault? He had spent so long worrying he hadn’t realized how much the other’s love for him had grown, and he hadn’t allowed his own to do the same. He pulled away from Taekwoon and tried to breathe, but his nose was full of snot and the combination of wet tears and cold air on his face made his skin burn.

Taekwoon pulled a tissue out of his pocket and wiped Hongbin’s face. He then wrapped an arm around the younger’s waist and started to guide him in the direction of the car. “I think we’ve had enough excitement for the night, don’t you?” Hongbin could only nod in response.

The whole walk there Hongbin wondered if he should have texted Wonsik to pick him up instead. If he had done that, he wouldn’t have had to deal with the silence that hung so heavy in the air he felt as if he could reach out and touch it. If he had done that, maybe Taekwoon wouldn’t have tried to get on the highway in an attempt to get Hongbin home faster. It wouldn’t have mattered that Hongbin was lost to the world the second he got into the car, and he would have seen the truck going to fast to stop for the light just before the on-ramp and been able to say something.

But he didn’t. And the last thing he remembered was the blare of a horn and a flash of light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> looks like i can't keep the weekly posting schedule i want ;;  
> and the scenes are kinda short in this one, sorry about that. hope you enjoy despite that <3  
> comments & kudos are appreciated! ♡
> 
> [ cc ](https://curiouscat.me/haken)/ [twitter](https://twitter.com/emohongbin)


	4. Chapter 4

**i.** “Why did you do it?” Jaehwan repeated. He didn’t raise his voice, in fact it was barely over a whisper, but in Hakyeon’s mind it echoed off of every surface. The words danced in front of him no matter where he looked. Everything he knew was gone, and all it had taken was his split-second decision.

"What do you want me to say?" Hakyeon asked, looking him in the eyes. "If I answer you, are you even going to understand? All you do is regurgitate what they tell you."

Jaehwan was unphased as if he knew - no, as if someone had told him this was how Hakyeon would react. "What I want to know is if you understand the situation."

Hakyeon narrowed his eyes. This wasn't the Jaehwan he had grown up with - he was never as much of a stickler for the rules and often complained about being unable to bend them. "Who is putting you up to this?"

A sigh. "Nobody." When Hakyeon's expression didn't soften he stammered, "I mean it! I overheard the others talking about it just before the verdict was made." When there was no response, Jaehwan stopped. The frustration that had clouded his eyes softened to sadness. "Do you even know why this is happening?"

"I don't know anything!" Hakyeon yelled and a nurse passing by paused outside the room, only continuing when there was no further shouting. "I just tried my best, okay," frustrated tears leaked from his eyes and left wet dots on his gown. "But no matter what I did I couldn't make him see. Is that why? Is it because I let him down?" Jaehwan shook his head. He opened and closed his mouth a couple times as if to say something, but the words wouldn't come out. "What is it then? Tell me!"

"You saved him," Jaehwan started and stopped. Hakyeon looked at him with a puzzled expression, and he started over. "You saved him when he was supposed to die."

Hakyeon stopped and stared at him. There was no way Jaehwan could have possibly been telling the truth. What could he know about the Guardians and their roles when he wasn't even one himself. "You're lying," he said plainly. There was no way Hongbin was supposed to die that night. Hakyeon hadn't even been watching over him for a year. Besides the fact that to ask Hakyeon to watch Hongbin die was essentially asking him to fail.

Jaehwan made no effort to mask the hurt on his face. "When have I ever lied to you?" When Hakyeon didn't answer, he got louder, "I can't lie to you! You know what would happen if I did! I'd end up like you!"

Silence.

It took a moment for the weight of his own words to register with Jaehwan. He opened his mouth to apologize, but

"Get out."

"Hakyeon -"

"I said get out!" he screamed.

"Sir?" A nurse walked into the room - she must have been passing by.

Hakyeon pointed at Jaehwan, "Get him out of here! Who even let him in?"

"Sir, there is no one there."

"What do you mean? He's right there!"

Jaehwan didn't say a word.

The nurse's tone changed from questioning to gentle - as if she were speaking to a child. "You need to calm down."

Hakyeon gave her an incredulous look. "I told you, get him out of here."

"Sir, there is no one there."

"What do you mean? He's right in front of me!" He pointed furiously and still the other angel said nothing. When the nurse thought Hakyeon wasn't paying attention, she pushed a white button attached to the lanyard around her neck, next to her I.D. But Hakyeon saw, and he narrowed his eyes at her. "What did you do?"

There was panic in the halls, and a group of people rushed into his room. They spoke nonsense to each other and were all in similar clothing to the nurse - other hospital staff. Several of them held down Hakyeon's arms and legs, and he started to yell at them and thrash about in an attempt to get free, but they gripped him so hard he couldn't feel his extremities. He was scared - he had no idea what they were doing or why they treated him so roughly. And soon the fear would be gone, but he didn’t know that and it wouldn’t be before he felt a stabbing pain in his arm. After the pain he felt a numbness that started in his mind and spread throughout his body. He couldn't move. He panicked, and he tried to scream at them that something was wrong but he didn't have the strength.

But after the initial panic everything was washed away and he let a welcoming darkness swallow him whole.

 

 

 

**ii.** When he opened his eyes again he still felt heavy. He was being dragged down - it was like the entire world continued at its own pace while he was stuck in slow motion. He lifted his arm and a collection of wires and IV lines moved with it. He wanted to get up, but only in his mind. The rest of him refused to move.

"You've always had a knack for theatrics," said a voice. It was Jaehwan, all smug in a chair in a corner of the room.

"Shut up," Hakyeon mumbled. He wanted to scream for the nurses, but he wasn't particularly in the mood for whatever had just happened. He looked out the window but couldn't see anything of interest. It was dark outside and the lights from the inside reflected against the glass. All he could look at was his own tragic face. "Are you going to help me or not?"

Jaehwan did well in hiding his irritation, but Hakyeon still noticed the flicker of it behind his eyes. "You don't get it, do you?" Hakyeon rolled his eyes and Jaehwan ignored it. It was something uncharacteristic of him. He had always been one of the most fiery angels Hakyeon had ever met - it was part of his charm, if one could call it that. "I wouldn't be sticking my head out if I didn't want to help you." 

Hakyeon was mute. He reflected on his actions and words, his desires of what had turned out to be an interesting last few hours. He had been selfish. Regardless of whether he had been aware of Hongbin's fate, he had thrown away his life for the feeling of fulfillment being a Guardian gave him. His words toward Jaehwan had been daggers aimed at an innocent bystander for no other reason than he had nowhere to direct his anger. Anger was also something new to him. He had never realized how blinding it could be, and by letting it wash over him he had turned his back on everything he'd been taught. "What is happening to me?"

An amused smile cracked on Jaehwan's face. He didn't need to hear the words to know the conflict in Hakyeon's head. "You're human now."

What? Was Jaehwan sure? Hakyeon had lost his wings, sure, but he'd never heard of anything like that before. Even the most infamous of the Fallen had a heavenly domain to which they were cast into. "How am I able to see you?"

A shrug. "I don't have the answers, I'm just here to help."

Despite Jaehwan's words, Hakyeon still had countless questions he wanted to ask. But a nurse passing by noticed he was awake and he had to bite his tongue while she checked his vital signs. When she was done, she didn't leave as the other orderlies he'd seen come and go had. Instead she started to rattle off questions.

What was his name? Hakyeon.  
Hak Yeon? No, just Hakyeon.  
No family name? A shake of the head.  
Age? I can't remember.  
Birthday? No.  
Did he have an address? No.  
Any family members they could call? No.

She stopped and pursed her lips as she processed the information she received. "I'm going to go speak with someone and get you a psych evaluation," she told him, and he nodded his head as she left because he didn't know how else to respond.

Once she was gone he looked back to Jaehwan. He was still sat in his chair, picking at the dirt under his nails. "I need to find Hongbin," Hakyeon said firmly.

"For what? You're not a Guardian anymore."

Hakyeon didn't have an answer to that. Jaehwan was right: that wasn't his place anymore. But he couldn't help the fact that he still felt drawn to Hongbin, like some invisible thread was pulling them together.

A moment passed, then two, and then three, and Jaehwan got himself up off of the chair. "If it's that important to you, I'll help you out," he decided. "Besides, you've always been so stubborn I'm afraid that if I don't help you you'll just go out on your own and get into trouble."

"Why? You're not a Guardian either."

Jaehwan shrugged the comment off his shoulders. "Regardless, we need to find you some real clothes. You can't go walking around like that."

 

 

 

**iii.** Hakyeon watched the sunrise as he awaited Jaehwan's return. A couple round and petite black birds hopped around on the grass outside the hospital in search of their morning meal. If he listened intently enough Hakyeon thought he could hear them chirping, but that could have only been because he wanted to. How difficult was it for Jaehwan to find clothes? Humans left them scattered everywhere as if they were worthless despite holding them in such high importance. He was getting more and more irritated the longer he waited. Each pair of shoes he heard clicking or tapping against the hallway floor gave him anxiety over the fact that any of them could stop by to evaluate him again. He was sick of being poked and prodded.

Eventually Jaehwan returned. By then the sky outside had turned from sunrise orange to the soft blue of morning. "I don't know if these will fit you," he began, "but I did my best." He looked from the bag he held in his hands to Hakyeon and then back again. "First we have to get you unhooked from that machine, though."

A task that turned out to be a lot more difficult than they had anticipated. Every time they moved something it beeped at them in protest and they froze. The last thing they needed to do was attract the attention of the hospital staff. But it didn't seem they had a choice. There was a restroom just down the hall. Hopefully they were fast enough to make it there after all of the machines ratted them out.

It was a messy procedure. When the IV was removed from Hakyeon's arm the fluids leaked onto the floor and a spot of blood trickled down his arm. The heart monitor flatlined and Jaehwan figured he should have disconnected the EKG last, but he'd have to worry about that another day. He grabbed Hakyeon by the arm and the other winced when what Jaehwan had forgotten was pulled off his body by force.

Hakyeon was panting when they ducked into the nearest men's restroom. He was still weak on his feet and was bent over, clinging to Jaehwan's arms for support. Jaehwan pulled him into a stall and handed him the bag of clothes. There was a pair of jeans, a red t-shirt, and a black jacket in there. Hakyeon slid them on obediently, hyper aware of Jaehwan's eyes on him the entire time. When he was dressed he let the angel give him a once over.

"Great! Except for one thing..." He grabbed Hakyeon's left wrist and pushed back the jacket sleeve to reveal the plastic identification bracelet. He ripped it in half with ease and flushed it down the toilet behind them. "If anybody saw that then it would be game over."

Hakyeon didn't seem to understand nor did he appear to care to understand. "Where's Hongbin?"

Jaehwan huffed impatiently. "Just once in your life could you appreciate the small victories?" His question was ignored as Hakyeon almost walked out without him. "Okay. Fine. I don't know where he is."

Hakyeon paused. "What?"

"I checked the computers while I was looking for clothes for you - that's part of what took me so long, sorry - and he was discharged before you woke up. He's gone." Hakyeon merely blinked at him. "...what are you thinking?"

Hakyeon shrugged. "Easy. I know where he lives. I know where he works. I know his habits and his hobbies. I can find him, easy."

“Hakyeon,” Jaehwan started, but he let the sentence trail off because he knew the other wasn’t going to listen to him anyway. He helped Hakyeon adjust his clothes to make sure everything laid flat - or as flat as clothes he’d found in a bag in the bottom of a closet could be. “All right,” he muttered, “we’ve gotten this far. May as well follow through and get you out of here.”

 

 

 **iv.**  Getting out was much simpler than Jaehwan had made it out to be. In the chaotic aftermath of Hakyeon’s escape, the nurses were looking for somebody in a hospital gown with an identifying bracelet. Hakyeon had come in nameless and unconscious, naked and hypothermic. They weren’t looking for anybody with clothes or an alert expression on his face. All of Jaehwan’s worrying seemed senseless, as all Hakyeon had to do was walk out the front door. 

What he didn’t account for - and what Jaehwan had forgotten to mention - was what he was supposed to do  _ after _ he walked out that door. To say the city was large would be an understatement. After being spit out into the hustle and bustle of the city he was lost. People both on foot and on wheels sped by him without any regard for what he did; anyone he approached simply pretended not to see or hear him. Whatever anyone’s purpose was it weighed on them too heavily for them to be bothered to stop and give a disoriented stranger directions.

“Ah, humanity,” Jaehwan sighed as if he had just taken in a breath of fresh air, “the one thing humans seem to lack.” Hakyeon ignored him and scanned the street signs for anything that would point him in the right direction. “What are you looking for?”

“A sign,” he answered simply.

Jaehwan scoffed, “After you and Hongbin both surviving certain death, I think we’re fresh out of miracles.

“No, not that kind of sign. Just something that can point us the right way.” It would have been easier if the sun were still up, but thanks to Jaehwan’s paranoia it took them so long to leave the hospital that it had already set and the onslaught of flashing lights from cars and buildings alike made Hakyeon dizzy. He brought a hand up to his head and stumbled a step backward.

Jaehwan grabbed his arm to steady him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Hakyeon nodded. “Let’s just find Hongbin.” Jaehwan’s brow furrowed as a stern expression crossed his face. He didn’t believe Hakyeon at all, but he didn’t question him further. The man’s stubbornness seemed to be the one aspect of himself that hadn’t been lost in his fall.

Unsure of where to go and with absolutely no clear starting point, Hakyeon simply chose a direction and began to walk. He hoped Jaehwan didn’t question him, because he had no other explanation other than it just felt like the right way to go. Luckily, the angel remained silent.

The city itself was incredible at night. The skyscrapers reached into the sky farther than Hakyeon could see, and the infinite amount of conversations going on around him competed for his attention in an overstimulating surge. Some argued over the phone, others spoke between themselves in hushed whispers, and even more yelled over the buzz of the crowd and tuned out everyone other than their conversation partners. Every single person in the city had an individual life of their own, their own feelings and dreams and goals, and in that moment Hakyeon felt as if he could feel them all. It was a lot to process, and he frankly could not handle it all. He saw a wooden bench along the side of the street and made a beeline for it. When he sat down a sigh of relief involuntarily left his body.

“Hakyeon…” Jaehwan sat down next to him. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He waved him off. “It’s nothing. I’ll be ready to go in a couple minutes.”

But by the time a couple minutes were up, day had long since broken over the horizon. It was as if Hakyeon had blinked and the sun had come up, and he wouldn’t have even opened his eyes if it wasn’t for the small, round brown bird that chirped at his nose. He straightened his posture despite the protest in his spine and neck. The bird fluttered away when he moved, in search of crumbs dropped on the pavement. “What happened?” he mumbled as he blinked the sleep out of his eyes.

“You’re human now, remember?” All Jaehwan got as an answer was a blank stare, so he further explained, “you need rest in order to function properly. Sleep. You passed out.”

Hakyeon bit his lip and focused his gaze on a spot on the ground as he processed this new fact. “Oh.” It would take some getting used to. “But why do I still feel faint?”

“Have you eaten anything?” The thousand yard stare remained on Hakyeon’s face and Jaehwan couldn’t help but chuckle. “Come on, let’s find you something.”

He grabbed Hakyeon by the arm and helped him up, but once on his feet Hakyeon pulled out of his grasp. He wasn’t interested in whatever Jaehwan wanted to show, for as he stood up something else had caught his eye. Two street crossings down, at the edge of the limits of his eyesight, stood an angel statue. Its eyes were closed and its head angled down, hands clasped in prayer. In complete disregard for how unsteady he was on his feet, he began to walk straight for it.

“Stop!”

He was pulled back by a rough hand on his shoulder just as a red car whizzed past and blared its horn. Hakyeon turned and saw Jaehwan, his face just as red as the car. “You can’t just run out in the road like that,” he gasped. “Look,” he pointed to show Hakyeon the light on the other side of the street shaped like a red hand, “you have to wait for that to tell you it's safe. But even then you have to be careful because drivers don't always pay attention.”

Hakyeon looked down at his feet instead. “I'm sorry.” An odd emotion gnawed at his stomach, something between guilt and embarrassment. 

“You’re not what you used to be,” Jaehwan began to explain again, “you can’t just-”

“I know,” Hakyeon interrupted. “I know.” His tone of voice was dejected, and when the crossing sign turned from a red glowing hand to a white walking silhouette he crossed the street at a more subdued, sluggish pace. He was accustomed to being able to essentially glide around wherever he wanted. It would take some time for him to adjust to his new mortal plane of existence. But he didn’t have that kind of time - he had to find Hongbin and he had to do it as quickly as he could. Who else was going to watch over him and make sure he weathered the storm, especially when it was considered that he was no longer supposed to exist? His soul was displaced, slightly off balance. Hakyeon wanted to be there to help him put it right. But Hakyeon would be of no use to him if he ran into traffic and got himself killed.

Would he be use to Hongbin at all? Jaehwan was right, he wasn’t what he used to be. He wasn’t a Guardian anymore. He couldn’t offer the same guidance as before - he could hardly offer any at all. 

But none of that mattered plainly because Hakyeon didn’t know how to do anything else. This was what he was. This was what he was here for.

He stopped at the second street crossing and double checked it was safe to go before he stepped into the road. A sense of pride swelled in his chest - this was easy, he could adjust to being human in no time. After that crossing, he had made it to the base of the statue. It wasn’t quite as large as it had looked, but was still considerably taller than he was, and he had to crane his head back to see its face. He studied its stoic expression, as if that would give him a clue on what to do next.

“Here.” Jaehwan tapped him on the shoulder. Hakyeon turned around and saw a ruby red apple in his outstretched hand. “You need to eat something.”

Hakyeon took it and didn’t say anything, even though he was curious as to where Jaehwan had gotten it from. He didn’t have the luxury to question it at that moment for he was suddenly incredibly conscious of his nausea due to lack of eating. He took a bite and savored the sweet, crisp flavor for a moment. But it was only a moment. After the initial bite, it was as if he couldn’t eat the rest of the fruit quickly enough.

Suddenly, when he only had the center left, it was snatched from him. He opened his mouth to protest, but his speech was interrupted by a piece of the apple escaping his lips, and he sheepishly brought a hand to his face to hide his mess.

“You can’t eat that part,” Jaehwan told him. “How were you a Guardian without knowing the proper way to eat an apple?”

Hakyeon shrugged. He didn’t have an answer. He had always been dedicated to his work and his goals, but his laserlike focus tended to let smaller details fall through the cracks.

He paused in the middle of wiping his face. He heard something on the other side of the statue, like somebody crying. He listened a little longer to make sure it was really there, and when he heard the sniffles he looked around the statue’s side.

He hadn’t realized it on the way there, but the angel statue stood as a sentry for a cemetary. What he heard was a young man knelt in front of one of the tombstones, a bouquet of white roses clenched in his fists. The way his hair fell looked familiar, and Hakyeon moved so he could look from a different angle. When he say the man’s face, he grabbed Jaehwan and tugged on his sleeve.

“It’s him. It’s Hongbin.”

Jaehwan narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure?”

Hakyeon nodded. “Absolutely.” He took a step forward, and Jaehwan pulled him back.

“Give him some space.”

But Hakyeon shook himself free and ignored Jaehwan. He needed to see him. He made his way into the courtyard and didn’t stop until he was almost directly behind Hongbin. The only reason he stopped was because he saw the text on the tombstone:

Jung Taekwoon  
1990-2013 

The realization took him a moment to process, and he looked back at Jaehwan. Why hadn’t Jaehwan told him this? He had made himself out to be so knowledgeable about the rest of the situation, there was no way he hadn’t known what happened to Taekwoon.

Without looking back for the angel’s approval, he knelt next to Hongbin and whispered,

“I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh ;; thank you to everyone for being patient on this chapter!! life wasn't very kind or conducive to this in the past couple months...sorry about that ;;  
> but here we go! beginning in the next chapter we're _finally_ going to see everything that i actually started writing this fic for lol .. just a lot of set up had to be done first. pls anticipate ♡  
>  comments & kudos are appreciated! ♡
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/haken) / [twitter](https://twitter.com/emohongbin) / [commissions](https://twitter.com/emohongbin/status/955979460674715648)


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